Missing You
Dear Tuesday,
Why did I dial your number today? I know why. I had something to tell you! It's because it was time for one of our talks...It was the thing that we did. But...you weren't there. In fact that's the problem. You've always been there and now that you're never gonna be here, I guess I need to accept that. It's been grappling trying to find a way to mend my heart of someone who has played such a big part in my life. Before you were my 1st friend, before you were my second mom, before you were my inspiration you were my sister.
I was having a moment today...just like I always do. And one of these moments would turn into a hot, two hour impromptu gossip session that always made the both of us feel better. You'd be venting about how dumb somebody in the family was while taking a sip of Hennessey. I'd be sitting on the phone listening and laughing writing down thoughts for my next book, all while trying not to be depressed anymore. Wow what a life. It seemed that for the both of us we were unhappy with so many things in our lives, we found ways to pretend, and cover them up like they were perfect and it worked for a while. But then it stopped when we realized that no matter what we did, where we went, we were still related to them. You were still Tuesday and I was still Tarrance...even though I created someone who took the place of him...That's my other problem, I can't replace Tarrance and create another person until I deal with him first. So much for the mind.
But anyway, I was calling you today right...I was calling to tell you about Bubba. You know he's a mess. Anyway, DuWayne finally flew his wishy washy ass over here from Germany, and he brought Bubba. You know I wasn't ready for all of that. Do you know when I opened the door (knowing I didn't want to let him in) he didn't even say hi, he asked me "What have you been eating?" I should have expected it. He's only been calling me fat since I've been fat, and he's never had anything nice to say to anyone or anybody, not even his self. Why does he just come around and just shake up peoples axis and balance like he's a damn windstorm or something? I can't. I didn't even dignify his comment with a response, but I made it clear that I wasn't feeling him.
Then he went in my room right. Cause you know DuWayne went straight for the computer with his porno Adam4adam havin' ass. Then Bubba starts looking around my office and shit asking me why I had paypal, and what was I selling, then he started to pick up my business cards and starts giving me questioning like he was the damn feds. Then I flipped. Long story short, I ended up telling him about my book. I made his ass buy a copy too. You know what the nigga asked me, "What makes me so qualified to write a book?" You know what I told him, growing up with an uncle like you and living my life for other people and dealing with family, and being a black gay man...thats what makes me qualified. He couldn't take it. For the first time I felt invincible...he's done nothing but cause me more emotional pain than he's had birthdays-and once and for all Tarrance was tired of his shit. What did he want me to do kiss his ass, after he's done nothing but taunt me all my damn life...needless to say DuWaynes spineless ass didn't say shit. I roll my eyes at him.
But I miss you T. I was thinking about the way we used to play perfection upstairs in your room in Carson. I remember you were the president of The Boys Fan club and they came over the house that day...I'm smiling with tears in my eyes...wait they're falling.
I always saw myself getting old...with you and your kids. We would be happy and somewhere chillin not thinking about you having Sickle Cell. Why Trip murdered Grandmother-or why our family had to be so fucked up and why you died trying to put the pieces back together. That was a burden that you shouldn't have had to carry. You spent so much time to make sure everyone else was strong...but all the while you were hurting inside and getting weaker and weaker by the second, because your strength was to make everyone else happy.
I'll never forget what you taught me about setting my goals and accomplishing them and not letting anyone stop me from seeing my vision and achieving my goals...I'm grateful for that. Your kids are beautiful...they're strong...
But if only we had the strength like you...
Why did I dial your number today? I know why. I had something to tell you! It's because it was time for one of our talks...It was the thing that we did. But...you weren't there. In fact that's the problem. You've always been there and now that you're never gonna be here, I guess I need to accept that. It's been grappling trying to find a way to mend my heart of someone who has played such a big part in my life. Before you were my 1st friend, before you were my second mom, before you were my inspiration you were my sister.
I was having a moment today...just like I always do. And one of these moments would turn into a hot, two hour impromptu gossip session that always made the both of us feel better. You'd be venting about how dumb somebody in the family was while taking a sip of Hennessey. I'd be sitting on the phone listening and laughing writing down thoughts for my next book, all while trying not to be depressed anymore. Wow what a life. It seemed that for the both of us we were unhappy with so many things in our lives, we found ways to pretend, and cover them up like they were perfect and it worked for a while. But then it stopped when we realized that no matter what we did, where we went, we were still related to them. You were still Tuesday and I was still Tarrance...even though I created someone who took the place of him...That's my other problem, I can't replace Tarrance and create another person until I deal with him first. So much for the mind.
But anyway, I was calling you today right...I was calling to tell you about Bubba. You know he's a mess. Anyway, DuWayne finally flew his wishy washy ass over here from Germany, and he brought Bubba. You know I wasn't ready for all of that. Do you know when I opened the door (knowing I didn't want to let him in) he didn't even say hi, he asked me "What have you been eating?" I should have expected it. He's only been calling me fat since I've been fat, and he's never had anything nice to say to anyone or anybody, not even his self. Why does he just come around and just shake up peoples axis and balance like he's a damn windstorm or something? I can't. I didn't even dignify his comment with a response, but I made it clear that I wasn't feeling him.
Then he went in my room right. Cause you know DuWayne went straight for the computer with his porno Adam4adam havin' ass. Then Bubba starts looking around my office and shit asking me why I had paypal, and what was I selling, then he started to pick up my business cards and starts giving me questioning like he was the damn feds. Then I flipped. Long story short, I ended up telling him about my book. I made his ass buy a copy too. You know what the nigga asked me, "What makes me so qualified to write a book?" You know what I told him, growing up with an uncle like you and living my life for other people and dealing with family, and being a black gay man...thats what makes me qualified. He couldn't take it. For the first time I felt invincible...he's done nothing but cause me more emotional pain than he's had birthdays-and once and for all Tarrance was tired of his shit. What did he want me to do kiss his ass, after he's done nothing but taunt me all my damn life...needless to say DuWaynes spineless ass didn't say shit. I roll my eyes at him.
But I miss you T. I was thinking about the way we used to play perfection upstairs in your room in Carson. I remember you were the president of The Boys Fan club and they came over the house that day...I'm smiling with tears in my eyes...wait they're falling.
I always saw myself getting old...with you and your kids. We would be happy and somewhere chillin not thinking about you having Sickle Cell. Why Trip murdered Grandmother-or why our family had to be so fucked up and why you died trying to put the pieces back together. That was a burden that you shouldn't have had to carry. You spent so much time to make sure everyone else was strong...but all the while you were hurting inside and getting weaker and weaker by the second, because your strength was to make everyone else happy.
I'll never forget what you taught me about setting my goals and accomplishing them and not letting anyone stop me from seeing my vision and achieving my goals...I'm grateful for that. Your kids are beautiful...they're strong...
But if only we had the strength like you...
posted by Dubbed As Trent Jackson at 12:00 AM
2 Comments:
Yanno what Trent... I'm so glad you had Tuesday in your life for such a long season, she sounds like such a fun person and such a blessing. It'll be rough being the first Christmas without her, but surround yourself with your special people and make the best of it... God Bless ya and I love you.
*Hugzzzzzzzzzzz*
Damn man. That was something else. I don't know what it's like to lose someone that powerful in my life yet. I still have moments where I wonder whether my dad would be proud, but they only last a few minutes.
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