Wednesday, June 7

Breaking Point...

At certain times or another, I hate my life, for all it is and for all it's worth.
Am I too attention hungry? Do I really need people to validate me? Why, Why, Why?
I know for a fact, because this has been a cycle in my life, people always give me lip service.

They say they care for me, but they don't. Cause if they did, I wouldn't have a problem being myself around them. I have yet to find 1 single person to be my total naked self with. They don't exist.

They tell me they love me, but they don't. Cause if they did, they wouldn't know, it's not about anything but my mental, emotional connection with them. All I want is for someone to listen. To acknowledge, my happiness, my pain, my frustration, my joy, me. No one loves me, cause no one knows how to love themselves. This is why I'm alone, because I love myself...even though I want to break.

I put in a lot of hard work and I never EVER, EVER, DO YOU HEAR ME? EVER REAP THE BENEFITS OF THEM!

I am so tired of everything and everybody! I don't have the zest for anything anymore.

I read someone's blog the other day and it talked about knowing your purpose in life. It really challenged me to think again. I know that I have been here to help people, make them laugh, challenge them to be better people! I've accepted that...but I don't think I am doing it in the correct capacity. People are so OVERLY concerned with themselves it's ridiculous.

I am like a machine running with no oil and no water! And for what? I'm working on a book, that people may not buy. I do a show twice a week that people listen to, but they never say anything about it. Yeah I get people who say things here and there, I appreciate that...but I never know if I am doing it right.

I am tired of being FAT. I don't have a problem with my weight or maintaining a certain weight, but when I went to get on the scale the other day and damn near had a nervous wreck when I noticed that I was a few pounds shy of the 300 mark! HELLO! I WAS PISSED. I HAVE GAINED A HOT 70 POUNDS IN THE LAST SIX MONTHS!

How does that make a person feel I can tolerate being fat...but 300 pounds, that too me is gross. I am so serious about changing my weight its not even funny. In addition to being tired career wise, I have been at the gym straight, I have stopped eating CARBS and I am just freaking out. It really made me self conscious, I can tell I really look big now, versus before I couldn't see it.

I have no one to talk to, because everyone is so use to coming to me and coming to Trent Jackson to make them feel better, who is supposed to make me feel better? Who can I turn to when I need to ask a question!!!!??? No one understands me. No one appreciates me and it really makes me second guess why I even bother doing the things that I do.

It's time for me to do a real fall back...in fact, that is just what I need right now. Focus on me...
Thank you for helping me realize this.

AND THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU'VE DONE THUS FAR.
AND I HOPE I DIDN'T DUMP TOO MUCH ON YOU.

1 Comments:

Blogger mytruth said...

whew...you let it out on here. A fall back is definitely in order. Enjoy that time of evaluation and make those adjustments.

10:16 PM  

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