neglected.

oh how i forgot about this part of me.
only because i allowed myself to become something that i wasn't or ever will be.
a facade.

i am more than meets the eye.
i am wise beyond my years.
i hurt like that of my ancestors.
i am the exception to the rule.

i've hurt people.
i've lied.
i've did it just because...
i've been boastful.

i have not been humble.
i have not always done the right thing.

my attitude is trash at times.
my values are inconsistent.

i'm human
i'm also aware
which is why

i had to make a mends.

space

insecure.
thinking about past tense.
focusing on future.
bridges burned.
relationships tarnished.
nothing lasts forever.
speaking the truth upon death ears.
eye cry in my plight to be.
traveling far and wide to search for my father deceased.
memories of his speech travels through my mental journey of escape as i draw on the strength of pain felt.
wanting inner peace from turmoil of life.
too heavy to speak.
personable, friendly, polite.
shy and timid.
i am.
loud, humor to cover it all.
striving for difference.
it doesn't work.
it seems someone always had something to say.
thinking about holding him at night.
telling him I love him and never take him for granted.
the feeling of him inside of me...only a vivid thought...
tear drops.
bridges burned.
love lost.
time moves on.
never happy.
never satisfied.
expectations not met, why have them?
like prince said, 'when doves cry.'
the curse of my mother,
the indulgent sins of my father.
somewhere in between all of that.
my life exists.

Just A Thought...

I think...
Sometimes way too fuckin much.

It's funny how, when your parents put their dreams on hold for whatever reason - they do the same thing to their children. I just think about how ridiculous my mother is. How she prides herself on "pushing" her children to be something...someone. How she is quick to point out someone elses flaws in their parenting abilities and always compares them to hers and says, "Now what if that was your mother?"

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and he almost damn near bragged about how "mommy" helped him pay for school and how broke she was...I had to explain to him that everyones mommy isn't like that. My mom is a cunt ass bitch, who'd rather loan a friend of hers 5,000$ instead of help her kid pay for school to better themselves. I love mothers like my friends and my aunt who sacrifice and not make selfish decisions. My mom has over 100,000 in the bank at any given time - and wont lift one finger to help. Not that I asked her to, but she offered and always tells me, "You're stupid - all of your friends have finished school except you. What the fuck is your problem." I like to remind her that their parents helped them pay for school and she didn't and I love the fact that she wants a piece of my royalty check.

I've always lived a comfortable life material wise, but lacked everything else. I've always had a nice house, nice clothes, nice cars - always had money to do whatever I felt like, but my mom think that's enough. And the fact that she provided nice things meant that's all she had to do, just because she didn't have it growing up. I had to accept the fact that she was emotionally and verbally abusive and I am still dealing with my issues of inadequacy because I was never able to please her. Of course I've stopped trying and I'm almost done saving to make one payment to my school so I can finish...just to prove a point, I don't need her.

But why is it that people want to point out your flaws and are so quick to ignore their own and further ignore responsibility in the part that they play in the problem.

I guess.
It is what is people...

On My Mind...

I think people are idiots.
I think people have good intentions but they are too fucked up in their ways to actually follow through with their intent.
It seems as though I always meet those people...lol
but I have a heart
I hate to see people go through bullshit
I hate to see people uncomfortable in their skin
I hate to see people not working up to their full potential
I hate to see people not get over things past
such is life...I have to be strong for all of those people and be strong for me in the process.
so sometimes I talk to the chief...to brainstorm about what I want to do next...
that's whats on my mind.

Getting Into Me.

It's been a while since I've bled here.
I was so use to expressing myself freely without the mask of Trent Jackson, I almost forgot what it was like to be a real person. Not performing, talking at normal pitch, enjoying people for who they were, listening and not speaking...more than what I could handle.

Somewhere in between life I realized that I had to come 'Full Circle' and that was the only way I was going to enjoy what I was.

I finally sat down with Ernest and we had a talk about life. How I really felt about Mike and the aftermath of all of that. He told me how much I meant to him and what he meant to me. For a first time in a while, I felt that I had finally done something right...write.

I hung out with my bestfriend Chereese. And we did what best-friends do... :-)

I met this amazing young man from New York, it's nice to make friends with gay men...and you guys dont have to worry about one hitting on the other.

I met the next man that I'll hold at night...one day.

I went clubbing...which is something that I havent done in forever.

And I fell in love with myself all over again and was comfortable in my own skin...and saw the promise and the potential that the future was going to be great...I could smell it. It was al confirmed with the seal of new beginnings.

I know good things are to come, all because I made the right decision, yet again. 777

See.

There is a reason, time and place for every fuckin' thing.
I am so glad that my computer lost the second half of my book the first time.
I am up at 7:00...I've been up since 10 P.M. last night. Writing my heart away...

The shit that I am coming up with this time around...I am making myself laugh out loud...I need an award for the shit that I am coming up with.

My biggest motivation...is to silence my hatin' ass mother.

Was I?

Insensitive?

I did mean to be. But I had to be real with ME, cause last time it was all about YOU and what you needed. Although I liked pleasing you at the end I was the one who came up short.

I don't want to be expecting something that ain't gonna happen, EVER, so I might as well continue being me.

Without interruption.
Without expectation.
Without sacrifice.
Without being chewed up, spitout, kicked to the curb and lookin' stupid.

Those days are over.
They gotta be...cause I hate investing this much time thinking about your silly ass.

...eMpTy

You say you miss me.
But, I've allowed myself to stop expressing to you how I feel,
about,
us,
you,
we,
me,
I.

I've missed you for the last two years.
You never acknowledged my genuine feelings for you.

They were never validated.
So instead I had to pay the rate of heartache, rejection, unsettling attempts at winning you over.

When I should have just been rewarded with love, gratitude, acceptance and warmth and
paid the regular price that a person should have to pay...honesty, loyalty, responsibility.

You're confused. I accept that.
I was honest. You ran away.

360.
The tables have turned and now, your crying about him to me...but what you failed to see it's the cycle that you put yourself in.

You are me and He is You.
When I loved you, you hated me.
You love him...

you see how it feels? I thought you learned your lesson...but you still like the burning sensation.