Anxious

It's not like it use to be.
But I have to admit it's good having some of you back.
To be honest...I like it.

I always knew in my heart, then, it wasn't the right time...the right moment in time.
I was ready, but you were dealing with all of that...plus him, it was too much.

So like the patient person I am. Like the loving person I am. I waited and I never stopped loving you. I can truly say that there has not been a day that I haven't thought about you. Even when you hurt me, I always wished you well. Even if I said "Fuck that nigga..." I really wanted to be in the bed...holding you, you holding me...you perfectly nestled against my booty...lol.

I miss you.
It been good seeing you...although were just friends,
and we're getting reacquainted, although we're well aware of our three year stint...

I can't help but think about holding you, kissing you, like I use to...
And although I want so bad just to hold your hand...and hug you and rest my head on your shoulder at the movies, and scratch your beard while you were laying your big ass lightbulb head in my lap...I can't.

Cause I'm too anxious.
Too anxious to touch...if I move to fast, if we move to fast...

It will end up where it ended on November 15, 2004. I don't want to feel that again.
This time lets get it right. You came back...that means you're here to stay...not only for one night...but the rest of our lives.

Crash, Burn, Watch...

I'm in a box.
More like a maze.
The one where they experiment with mice,
watch them run around to see if they can find their way.

Except I'm a person.
Not exempt of flaws,
failures,
I am imperfectly perfect.

Though life, experiences
have shown if not repeated themselves time and time again...
I keep making the same mistakes. This must be apart of the deal.

I want to layout on the beach.
With my laptop.
Finish my book.
And work.

Without interruptions,
without hateration,
without thinking twice...

I want to just be.
That is a hard thing to do.

Especially since everyone's loyalty is on the line

Let's Get A Few Things Straight GIRL.

I use to know what it felt like to...

have a broken spirit.
to want, need, crave and thirst for the attention of others. because I too was,
low
felt abandoned
and I thought,
for some magical reason

that people
in a weird sense would feel my void of
inadequacy
complacency
hatred of self.

I acted out, out of
ignorance
and that desire to stand out
in the wrong kind of way.

TODAY.
I'm able to blend in...but yet standout.
I took a tip on how to
Use that spark of
ingenuity that attracts the ring people.
that mellow swagger that makes Tarrance who he is...
not the TRENT that you think you know.

I've gotten over that need to be...
something that I am not,
accepted
validated
by others.

That means nothing if you hate yourself.

I've learned, with time.
Experience
and the right people...
that it was okay for me to be me.

For my life is bigger than me.
writing
my career.
TRENT JACKSON...
is bigger than me.
It's not about me.

And once I learned that it wasn't about me
the better I became.

So what you're "lavishly" decorated on the outside.
So what you've done this, you've done that,
you've taken his dick or that one.

What does all of that mean,
when you'll do anything for attention.
when you crave to be noticed,
validated
and you'll sale your soul like a crackhead feining for rock.
You didn't arrive bitch, you're actually late. On time is late, if you didn't know.

I'm at peace.
I'm at peace with my weight
I'm at peace with just "blending in"
I'm at peace with my piece,
You should be at peace with knowing I don't want or need your piece...
I'm okay when people recognize me,
I'm okay when they don't. So what.

At the end of the day as long as I accept me and validate my life
and understand that YAWEH has placed me in this position for a reason and it ain't about me...

I'm fine.
I don't need no one to tell me that I'm...
I know that I exemplify humility and I don't need to say it anymore...