Refreshed...Glad...Breathe

I was glad when I heard for you.
I never told you how much you make my heart smile...
How excited I get when I hear your ringtone on my phone.
I pause, I refresh, I get glad and I breathe.

I admire you for your silent strength.
I love you because you allow me to see, more than what others do.
I love the fact that we can both be who we are, without reservation...we just do
We are, we exist...the way life should be.

You've taught me so much....in 395 days.
You've lifted weights that I forgot were there.
You've renewed faith,
You've restored hope,
Every time I think of you.
Glance at our picture.
Hear your voice.
Hear that ringer...

I get refreshed.
I am glad.
I breathe...and I always exhale.

Trent Jackson, The Everything Man

I find time to do it...

I find to love.
To be friendly.
To be expressive.
To be a brother.
To be a boyfriend.
To be a son.
To be a friend.
To be concerned.
To have fun.
To think.
To write.
To just be...

I've been blessed to see my little sister grow...what a wonderful young lady she's growing up to be. She's bossy as hell, moody, she don't fuck with you if she ain't feelin' you and she's not afraid to let you know. She's opinionated, she's smart, she's bilingual, she needs her space, she loves her family and she is such a little fashionista. Why is she just like me? It's so funny just to watch her in action...

It's so weird that I never wanted kids because I always thought that I would make horrible mistakes or end up yelling at my kids being an emotionally charged villain like my mother was at some points. So I didn't even entertain the thought of parenthood on any level. But being protective of a child and them looking up to you as a source of strength and a rolemodel does an indescribable thing to you. It makes you realize your dreams, you life and it always makes you second guess things that you're doing and asking "is this worth it?"

When I was little, I remember being the kid who was the leader of the pack.

I remember being creative and finding ways to deal with
being molested, verbally abused and taunted for being different than everyone else.

As a teenager, I remember being insecure. Afraid, concerned about what other people thought. I remember praying to God, asking him to make me great. Make me love, and love hard. I asked him to let me help and entertain others. I asked him to give me understanding, bless me so I could bless others. I asked him for forgiveness. I asked him to give me humility...I asked him and he gave.

As an adult, I am in awe of all of my fucked, idiotic, neurotic ways God still found time to wave his hand to bless me with the things that I asked for...in spite of. He's blessed me with friends, he's blessed me with multiple talents, I can do so many things it's hard to focus on one damn thing...I want to do it all...and there is nothing wrong with that. Hell if J-lo can do it, I can too...

But what does all of this mean? I don't know...

But I know that today, right now, no matter what happens, life is still worth living. I maybe tired, irritated, mad at some stupid shit...the key is to LIVE IN SPITE OF. I'm blessed, I'm here for a reason and it's falling into place. My existence in the earthly realm isn't a mistake, in God's own way, my sister was sent here to remind me of that. Not that i'm suicidal...but God does things in your life to give you reason if not remind you of things. I've got a child that is looking to me for answers, there are people that influenced and affected by my direct action...

We all have power...but the question is what are we going to do with it?
And when we decide that we are going to use it, what are we using it for?
Who will be affected...? In the long run...

There is always a B-Side...