10 Dayz...fulfilled

I'm grateful. I've lived another day to grow, experience and learn.
It's so funny repetitious life is.

This time last year I didn't have a "regular" job. The same things remain today.
This time last year, I felt unappreciated. The same things remain today.
This time last year I was BROKE, I MEAN BROKE...This year, I'm good.

I'm grateful. I can eat whatever I want. I can go wherever I want to go, I am free to be, to think and to live life without interruptions.

It wasn't always like this.

I was mad at my mother when I was 5. I thought I was supposed to win pin the tail on the donkey for my birthday party, just cause it was my birthday party.

I was mad when I was 16 cause my mother took all day to bring my birthday cake, my party was three hours in and she waltz in without a cake and asked what "all these people" were doing in her house...she forgot it was my birthday.

My dad was never able to see any of these moments. I felt cheated. No one ever explained death. No one ever lied to me and told me life was fair. I thought I was supposed to have a a mommy and a daddy like those story books and have a dog and gold fish and marry a girl and have kids and imitate my parents...but life just as the world rotates 360 degrees.

I've learned to break free of what I thought should be.
(that was a bold statement to me...let me say it again)
I BROKE FREE OF WHAT I THOUGHT SHOULD BE.

For the feelings of lies held me captive.
Brandon died on my birthday...someone who really loved me. I didn't let him cause his piss colored ass was a liar...how much would we compromise to be happy? LET IT GO I SAY...

Anyway...I'm rambling. But I figured it out: What you think and what you say controls your life, your actions and it can place limits on what and where you evolve into.

I guess and some

I am so not good at being articulate, trust me it's all a facade...nah just joking. I do what I can.

1. I'm almost 25 and I still haven't graduated from college.

2. Somebody stole my I.D. and cleaned out my bank account. Why did that check bounce? Why is my cell phone off?

3. I don't want to lose weight any more. I'm perfectly fine the way I am. I will not buy into societies idea of what being beautiful is. I embrace my fat ass. I am so glad Mo'Nique is coming out with that Phat Girl movie. I will be the poster child Fat Man. You just watch. At least I don't look like Biggie Smallz.

4. So What I am almost 25 without a degree. My mother always wants to remind me I am a failure, even after her attempted abortion, that makes her the failure. Shes a dumb ass. She's mad cause I'm smarter than her and stronger than her...and she thinks staring a publishing company and putting out a book isn't an accomplishment. I guess some people want to settle for the civil service job. I want more! I will not be reduced to a piece of paper.

5. I miss Alphonso.

6. I want to fuck my ex just to get him out of my system.

7. I love hard.

8. I am glad I am getting this all out and I don't need to go to therapy after all.

9. I think Quah-Quah is fine...

10. I have a plan.

11. I AM SOMEBODY.

12. It doesn't make sense to give dumb ass people so much infused energy.

13. I really like him but he's bisexual. He wants to be loved...he knows he really wants a man, but he's one of those niggas that needs that security net.

14. When I reach that plateau, will I develop trust issues?

15. No one is really your friend, but everyone has the capability. What will they do with it?

16. There is no such thing as religion. It's a control mechanism.

17. I may repost this on my main blog since no one reads this one. I enjoy that song "Island Life" by Janet off her Damita Jo Album. By the way, I think La Toya Jackson is so cool.

18. Happiness is what you make it. Refuge is a setup if not a prequel to depression.

19. I didn't think I'd still be working on this book in 2006...it's been 3 years.

20. I love me, in all of my complex, neurotic ways. There is nothing wrong with me. I am defining my truth.