How I Feel...

I thought about calling you
But I changed my mind
The moment I thought about
What you do to me every time
I'm tryin' to come home and see you
You actin' like you can't make no time for me
So I'm puttin' down this receiver
'Cause if you don't know by now just how much I need ya
Then you'll never know

How I feel
Slowly gonna change if you let it
And it's real soon
If you don't do what I ask of you
Boy, I'm still missing you so bad
It's pathetic
I'm for real
See, I need more than your guarantees
Boy, you're losing me


You used to be so attentive
Call me at least twice a day
But now, I have no support, no incentive
To keep me lovin' you this way (yeah)
I sit alone, waiting patient
For you to return to me
And I can't believe just how long you have plans to take it
If you don't know by now what mistake you're makin'
Then you'll never know

How I feel
Slowly gonna change if you let it
And it's real soon
If you don't do what I ask of you
Boy, I'm still missing you so bad
It's pathetic
I'm for real
See, I need more than your guarantees
Boy, you're losing me

I hate it when you treat me like a burden
It hurts when I feel like you don't need me
I wanna believe that you love me
But it's so hard to relax
When you won't call me back
Throwin' me off like it's a wrap
Then just say that
'Cause I'm tired of complaining
If you ain't never gonna change it
Then you can't change the way I feel
Noooo

How I feel
Slowly gonna change if you let it
And it's real soon
If you don't do what I ask of you
Boy, I'm still missing you so bad
It's pathetic
I'm for real
See, I need more than your guarantees
Boy, you're losing me
How I feel
Slowly gonna change if you let it
And it's real soon
If you don't do what I ask of you
Boy, I'm still missing you so bad
It's pathetic
I'm for real
See, I need more than your guarantees
Boy, you're losing me

I thought...

It ended when you dumped me for it.
Yes, It.
A man in boots, a skirt, makeup and a wig.
I guess me wearing MAC for pictures wasn't enough.

I was your first.
You were my last.
Another fucked up memory from my past.

I finally got over you.
But not before going through all of the withdrawal that comes along with it.
Yes, It.

I loved you.
I think you're brilliant.
I think you're caring.
I like your style.
I like the way you accepted me.
I like looking into your eyes.
I liked kissing you.
I liked flirting with you.

But obviously you felt different.
FUCK YOU.
You pissed colored bitch.

Just when I am over you.
It.
Here you come,
wanting,
needing,
me...all over again.
After I offered the help,
you didn't want,
It.

Now that it's okay for you.
You've accepted what you've grappled with.
You're fine with,
It.

You called me.
I answered.
Put your number back in my phone.
Gave you back your number...
but what did you do?
It.

The same shit you always do.
Say one thing...do another.
And I am like damn...why did I fall for,
It.
This silly Shit.
You ain't ready.
You'll never be ready.

AND ONCE AGAIN I'M STUPID,
CAUSE ME..I FELL
FOR,
IT.

I thought...just for a second.
I was over,
IT.

18

18 years ago...Today.

I was 6.
You were 29.
you were taken.
I'll never know...
the love you could show,
the gifts you could bestow...

The void,
the blank,
the question in my mind,
the space in my heart

can never be replaced...
it will never be the same.

A decision someone else made...
to take my daddy,
to take away a man
who had the power to make a difference in his young sons like.

I miss my daddy.

Dreaming...

I want to look into your eyes...and connect with you.
I want to dwell in the understanding of friendship.

We could hold hands. We could walk L.A.'s beach at dusk. Enjoy the breeze...
The magic hour.

Play fight in the sand...let the waves hit our feet, while we,
share our dreams.
our goals.
our passions.
our hurts.
out tragedies.
the triumphs.
our lives.

We could lay there and evaporate all the feelings of insecurity within the mist of the ocean waves.

It could be our moment.

We could take a trip up sunset.
hit a club. laugh, invite each other into our rhythmic patterns...
closely exploring our sensuality that exude and relay through our eyes, our touch...
the very essence of who we are.
Soaking up all the fun. Not caring who was watching...

Back at home...we rest.
A little Chante Moore in the back ground...Brandy's Full moon.

We laugh.
Exchange glares...
a soft sensual touch of the lips...
we kiss.

innocently.

you respect my body.
every touch is gentle...

clothes on...making love through imagination.

We laugh...
laughing in a moment like this always messes things up.

I straddle you...
looking into your eyes...
you're laying there...gazing.

It was that moment again.
You grab my ass...I bite my bottom lip...thinking about how it would be...

I lean down.
Our bodies meet,
our lips match,

a gentle slip of our muscles....respond to each other.
we pulsate, that turns into a grind.

It leads to me kissing your neck...taking of your shirt. you taking off mine.
I feel you grow more, as you're grabbing my...

Tongue to the flicker of the nipple. A moan.

Tongue down to your navel, hands...busy, getting unbusy.
I find myself, on yourself, deep. Another moan,

You on top of me...some where in the mix, your tongue...there, in between, there...
My eyes...off course.

Legs spread, on your face...moans, I felt like Prince...Screams of passion all I hear in my echoing like a volcano baby...

Whats next...I don't know....I woke up...but me knowing me and me knowing you. It can happen...and real soon

AAAAHHH HAAAA SILLY!!!

Be careful what you say.
Be careful what you do.

Cause whatever it is that you do...
Is gonna come back on you.

I tried to warn you.
I cried to you too.

But you can never lie and say,
I didn't try an warn you.

I found out some info...but you didn't think it was true.
But now you're runnin' scared, you don't know what the fuck to do.

It's a shame...all that you worked for. The life for your children. 18 years on the job...
traded for some piss colored dick, 8 months of drama, and 2 years in the federal pen.

I Guess Bitch...

Anyway. I need to go to therapy. Fuck that, I am a drama Queen, I will go to Dr. Phil. In fact, maybe I should right his ass a letter. Cause my family is MAD, I TELL YOU. EVEN THE LITTLE ONE. Poor child she doesn't have a chance. Her father was a recovering heroin/alcohol addict and her mommy is a pot head. Wait a second, I just noticed something. My dad was an addict too...OOOOOH MOTHER SURE KNOWS HOW TO PICK THEM.

Needless to say...I am tired of that hoe blaming me for all of her problems. I gag at her. The more and more I look at it, the more and more I realize that she is the damn problem. As far as I am concerned, anyone who spends more time trying to convince YOU that something is wrong with YOU, then something is wrong with THEM. Especially if you have unresolved issues from your childhood. This is why I refuse, REFUSE to have children. The chain, cycles in my family are just down right chaotic. I have a great enough time trying to deal with my relationships without being effected by the negative issues that plagued me as a child.

I notice, that every time I am away from my family, I am a completely different person. I like myself better when I don't even have to think about them. I have a plan...

Sidenote: Why do I hate Sprint, don't think them bitches didn't auto-debit my account a whole 4 days before my bill was due. You know I cussed them out and made them put back the money in my account....bastards.

Anyway. I'm done...Instability isn't cute, especially when it comes to your momma. I can't stand that bitch this week. She be on that bullshit. She can put that where? Back there!

Breaking Point...

At certain times or another, I hate my life, for all it is and for all it's worth.
Am I too attention hungry? Do I really need people to validate me? Why, Why, Why?
I know for a fact, because this has been a cycle in my life, people always give me lip service.

They say they care for me, but they don't. Cause if they did, I wouldn't have a problem being myself around them. I have yet to find 1 single person to be my total naked self with. They don't exist.

They tell me they love me, but they don't. Cause if they did, they wouldn't know, it's not about anything but my mental, emotional connection with them. All I want is for someone to listen. To acknowledge, my happiness, my pain, my frustration, my joy, me. No one loves me, cause no one knows how to love themselves. This is why I'm alone, because I love myself...even though I want to break.

I put in a lot of hard work and I never EVER, EVER, DO YOU HEAR ME? EVER REAP THE BENEFITS OF THEM!

I am so tired of everything and everybody! I don't have the zest for anything anymore.

I read someone's blog the other day and it talked about knowing your purpose in life. It really challenged me to think again. I know that I have been here to help people, make them laugh, challenge them to be better people! I've accepted that...but I don't think I am doing it in the correct capacity. People are so OVERLY concerned with themselves it's ridiculous.

I am like a machine running with no oil and no water! And for what? I'm working on a book, that people may not buy. I do a show twice a week that people listen to, but they never say anything about it. Yeah I get people who say things here and there, I appreciate that...but I never know if I am doing it right.

I am tired of being FAT. I don't have a problem with my weight or maintaining a certain weight, but when I went to get on the scale the other day and damn near had a nervous wreck when I noticed that I was a few pounds shy of the 300 mark! HELLO! I WAS PISSED. I HAVE GAINED A HOT 70 POUNDS IN THE LAST SIX MONTHS!

How does that make a person feel I can tolerate being fat...but 300 pounds, that too me is gross. I am so serious about changing my weight its not even funny. In addition to being tired career wise, I have been at the gym straight, I have stopped eating CARBS and I am just freaking out. It really made me self conscious, I can tell I really look big now, versus before I couldn't see it.

I have no one to talk to, because everyone is so use to coming to me and coming to Trent Jackson to make them feel better, who is supposed to make me feel better? Who can I turn to when I need to ask a question!!!!??? No one understands me. No one appreciates me and it really makes me second guess why I even bother doing the things that I do.

It's time for me to do a real fall back...in fact, that is just what I need right now. Focus on me...
Thank you for helping me realize this.

AND THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU'VE DONE THUS FAR.
AND I HOPE I DIDN'T DUMP TOO MUCH ON YOU.