Angst

Nothing is ever what it seems.

When you're on top, everyone is praising you...your light is most dim.

When you're down, out, too low to be high. Everyone is watching, you shine like the sun.

When nothing else seems to really matter...no one cares.

I wish I could say the same for myself...

Is It Now?

I remember it like yesterday, you stopped.
You stopped calling me, you ran free like the wind.

It wasn't me.
It wasn't you.
It was us.

The situation that turned wrong.
The ideas that pushed you away.

You were scared. I knew it.

I know your story...It's like so many of the other ones I've heard B4.
It's almost like mine...but I dared myself to change. I dared myself to be.
I didn't let them tell me what I should have been, I was, I am, what I wanted to be.

I wasn't afraid to tell you I loved you.
I wasn't afraid to kiss you.
I wasn't afraid to tell you how much you meant to me.
How you made me feel.
How you accepted me.
How my size didn't matter.
That you didn't care that I sold 10,000 books.
You didn't want my money.
You didn't care about the Rover.
It was about me...
I wasn't afraid that you were a man...how it looked if we walked too close down the street.
If we stared into each others eyes too long.
That we grinned at each other at the oddest times.
Our body language was stronger than our cologne.
I didn't care, but you did.

I understand.
It was all new to you.
You acted on your thoughts, your impulse.
It's who you are.
It was who you were.

You weren't ready...you ran.
I stopped. I looked. I learned.

You came back...
Like I knew you would.

We talked.
We touched.
You explained.
It all made sense.

In that glipse of a memory we weren't meant to be.
I, we, you, us. Applied too much pressure to the point that was already there.
BOOM...
...ERANG.

What goes around comes around.
That moment that we had before...
Is it now?

Firsts, Responsibility.

For the first time in my life, my mother took responsibility.

She acknowledged the fact that she was verbally abusive...But she didn't understand when I told her.

It took someone else...Someone that I despise for their lack of candor to tell her....besides the point.

Did she really think she was normal for calling me fat and stupid while I was growing up?

Whatever the issue was we had a talk. An understanding so to speak. I know that I never want to be a parent because I can't handle the lifetime commitment, responsibility of being a parent.

There is no manual, no how to, to be a parent...it's a live learning experience, trial and error. Something I'm not use to.

I love my mother. Just like being a child, loving your parents and your family is a live learning experience...trial and error. What did I just say? That I am capable of being a parent now? LOL.

We plan for life to go a certain way. But when it doesn't go as plan, we don't know how to react. We have to make the best of the life we're given...love it for every moment, cause there is a reason to the madness.

I want...

I want a boy to lay up on the phone with all night long and talk about nothing or everything at all.

I want a boy that I can take to an intimate hangout and sit in the corner booth and laugh about the intricacies of life with. Until we both realize that it's okay to be who we are...

I want the type of friends that are honest and true. The type of friends that have old school parents, with old school values, that can operate in a new world and operate in the principles of trust, loyalty, honesty, respect, communication, and understanding.

I want the type of fans who challenge me to become a better writer. Fans that support my dreams, who can be reflections of my gift.

I want stability in my life, so I can be stable in everything that I do.

I don't ask for much...I thought it would be simple...

Be Without You...

I'm supposed to be over you.
But every time I get to that point of oblivion, closure, here you come.

I hate how my mind works. It's not just you, it's everyone. Every time I think of someone, or something that reminds of me of them, they come.

Like last night, I was eating his ass so good, deep, so controlling, it reminded me of the time, last summer I had you climbing up the wall in that penthouse suite we rented for the weekend.

Then, after a casual night out with my circle.
A brisk wind blew,
neon lights glared,
Mary J. Blige belted out "Be Without You."

You touched me on the stairs, caught off guard.
You stroked me with good nature, exchanged a grin
It all came clear to me while I was in love with you in the first place...

It all happened again, it took 30 seconds.

Me

I love who I am. But other people don't...and thats okay. Cause I love me!
I will not succomb,
to..
your thoughts,
ideas,
suggestions on what I,
Should be,
can be,
aught to be...I'm me.
Perfect in my imperfections
specially made to fit those size 40 jeans,
made from sin, born into confusion
evolved into greatness.
regaurdless of what anyone else tells me.
I'm me...there's no changing that.

A Moment Of Silence.

A white rose petal fell.
A kiss touched my heart.
You flew away.
What remained, stayed.
For just like that,
You were gone.

Today I celebrate the life of Tuesday. A year ago today, she died...

Understanding...

I guess there is really never a moment or a time where you will fully understand your life for what it is. Well maybe when you get ready to die, but you won't be able to articulate that to anyone.

My life has been really interesting. I guess the first 24 years of my life have been traumatic enough to make me wanna do drugs, although I've never entertained the idea, try to kill myself, which I've been unsuccessful at twice, or try to find some other outlet to deal with my problems...which I've done, successfully.

I guess I've finally made up my mind to take responsibility to stop letting bullshit bother me. I think we, all as humans like to entertain the ideas that we don't let things bother us and we are invincible if not immune to heartache, pain, tragedy, etc. We can't get around it, but what we can do is limit our intake and decide what is important and what is healthy to our mental stability.

I'd be the first to tell you, I'd be the first admit, that FAMILY (fancy word for people) is your basis, blueprint, instruction manual on how to socialize. If your manual is all fucked up (dysfunctional) then your social interaction with others will be affected. This has been my problem for years, not anymore.

I've learned to deal with these folks from a distance. I understand that if someone has never been happy, they don't know what happy is, or how to even be happy. Then the nerve of them to bring kids into the cycle...as I try to stay focused, I am inclined to tell you about reuniting with my cousin that I haven't seen in a few years.

I feel bad for him, because in his early 20's his entire family (girlfriend and two children) were murdered by our cousin. Needless to say there was division in our family. It has been 10 years since the tragedy struck and we are just now mending...well a little. I'm looking forward to attempt to start a healthy relationship with him...

I'm saying all this to say, whatever you go through you do have the power to change it and choose to live a positive life and make the best out of any situation. It starts with Identifying the problem, realizing that is a problem, conquering the problem and quenching the problem.
My problem: Being raised in a damaging, emotionally unstable family.
Realization: It's unhealthy for me to act the way they do. I don't have to be like them...it's okay.
Conquering: Accepting the fact that it's okay for me to be different from them
Quenching: Dealing with my family from a distance, while still loving them and being an individual in the pursuit of my own happiness.