Friday, December 30

It came to me while I was sleep

If there is one thing I have learned this year it is, that you have to keep living no matter what.

When Tuesday died, I had to keep living.
When I lost my job, I had to keep living.
When my book came out, I had to keep living.
When I thought I was going to end it all, I had to keep living.

Nothing else changes...only you change. You have the power to do so many things with your life. We all have purpose...and if nothing else, you have to keep living no matter what.

Thursday, December 29

Right Now

First Thought....

I couldn't tell you what I was doing a year ago. Except that I was a bus driver and I was looking forward to 2005 since my book was finally coming out.

But right now I know that I didn't want it to go the way it did. I care a lot about Mark. He's a nice guy, but for some reason...we can't find that mesh, that ground where we can be...well, the way I think we should be.

I saw him for the first time in a few years on Friday night...was that Friday night? We were supposed to go out, but my brilliant family decides they want to spend time when it convenient for them so we had I had to, unwillingly cancel my date with him. I still saw him though...It was nice to see him...

I've known him for 5 years and I wonder a lot if he is the one...and if he is, why hasn't anything happened? Why haven't I given him the privy to walk around with my virginity in his back pocket? Why don't I fully trust him? Is it because he doesn't communicate enough for me? Is it because secretly we may be too much a like? What is it?

I have a sense that he wants to open up to me...but he can't. He's holding something back. Maybe that's it, I expect people to be open and honest with me, the way that I am with them. Time will tell.


I'm so focused on 2006 right now. I am on this book, plans to take my career further and put a gash in the market. I'm prepping myself right now, these hoes can't tell me shit about my work. I know I put out a good project last year despite minor errors. I know that I can and need to maximize my potential as a writer and an entertainer and 2006 is the year to expand my horizons...and really give them, but more so myself something to talk about.


I won't fret.
I'm unbreakable.
I'm not made of glass.

There will be times to test, try and deter me.
But I am strong.
I rise I like the sun,
I glow like the moon. I can't be stopped.

Wednesday, December 28

Supposed To Be...Thinking About You

I am wrapped up with him.
We're a secret.
Like a present under wrapping.
No one knows but us.
It's really no one elses business...but this feeling that I am feeling when you told me I don't know, was different from all the times that you've told me before. I want to be caught up in you, cause I've been so, always have been caught up in myself, that I want to step outside just to see what the cold morning air is like.

You are remnant like the moon,
But you are the sun, bright, like your skin
Shining, warming my heart, the first glimpse of the sun
In the morning.

You are fresh as the morning dew
On a soft kissed rose
Touched by God
Your beauty shines through
Like the morning sun in the a.m.

Sometimes gloomy
You find a way to overcome the clout
The seasonal dilemma that blocks your sustenance
For you are the morning sun, in the a.m.

I look forward to seeing you
For I’ve known you all my life
Bringing jubilant warmth and understanding
For you renew each day
For I know if I see you, everything will be brand new
Cause things always get better, in the a.m.

Monday, December 26

A Desperate Plea.


I called him.

I thought enough time had passed for us to resume conversation like normal people. But the situation being what it was, there was still that space between us. Not like once before when he was on top of me grinding, trying to penetrate my spot with his lust. I pulled back and let him make love to my neck and everywhere else. I went down on him, all the times I can count without thinking twice. Our conversations were intimate, none like I've ever had before. Time will only tell if I ever can get it back. I don't want it. But something is tugging at me, making me stupid to call him. I just need it one more time, for the purposes of closure. If I had it one more time. I'd be okay...I can get it out of my system. Damn I hate niggas sometimes.


I haven't been around them enough all at one time to know what it feels like. I haven't seen them together since my Grandfathers funeral in 1997. They haven't played any part in my adult life and to have them all in my living room on Christmas was so weird, I didn't know how to act...I had to go and sit down and think about it. My uncles are a mess individually, I know their stories collectively. It's so funny how they can all band together for a moment and be civil but they backbite like jealous bitches in a High School bathroom. I don't understand, why, people put up with each other just because they are family. As far as I am concerned, Family is a fancy word for people...and people, they are a let down.

Friday, December 23

Missing You

Dear Tuesday,

Why did I dial your number today? I know why. I had something to tell you! It's because it was time for one of our talks...It was the thing that we did. weren't there. In fact that's the problem. You've always been there and now that you're never gonna be here, I guess I need to accept that. It's been grappling trying to find a way to mend my heart of someone who has played such a big part in my life. Before you were my 1st friend, before you were my second mom, before you were my inspiration you were my sister.

I was having a moment today...just like I always do. And one of these moments would turn into a hot, two hour impromptu gossip session that always made the both of us feel better. You'd be venting about how dumb somebody in the family was while taking a sip of Hennessey. I'd be sitting on the phone listening and laughing writing down thoughts for my next book, all while trying not to be depressed anymore. Wow what a life. It seemed that for the both of us we were unhappy with so many things in our lives, we found ways to pretend, and cover them up like they were perfect and it worked for a while. But then it stopped when we realized that no matter what we did, where we went, we were still related to them. You were still Tuesday and I was still Tarrance...even though I created someone who took the place of him...That's my other problem, I can't replace Tarrance and create another person until I deal with him first. So much for the mind.

But anyway, I was calling you today right...I was calling to tell you about Bubba. You know he's a mess. Anyway, DuWayne finally flew his wishy washy ass over here from Germany, and he brought Bubba. You know I wasn't ready for all of that. Do you know when I opened the door (knowing I didn't want to let him in) he didn't even say hi, he asked me "What have you been eating?" I should have expected it. He's only been calling me fat since I've been fat, and he's never had anything nice to say to anyone or anybody, not even his self. Why does he just come around and just shake up peoples axis and balance like he's a damn windstorm or something? I can't. I didn't even dignify his comment with a response, but I made it clear that I wasn't feeling him.

Then he went in my room right. Cause you know DuWayne went straight for the computer with his porno Adam4adam havin' ass. Then Bubba starts looking around my office and shit asking me why I had paypal, and what was I selling, then he started to pick up my business cards and starts giving me questioning like he was the damn feds. Then I flipped. Long story short, I ended up telling him about my book. I made his ass buy a copy too. You know what the nigga asked me, "What makes me so qualified to write a book?" You know what I told him, growing up with an uncle like you and living my life for other people and dealing with family, and being a black gay man...thats what makes me qualified. He couldn't take it. For the first time I felt invincible...he's done nothing but cause me more emotional pain than he's had birthdays-and once and for all Tarrance was tired of his shit. What did he want me to do kiss his ass, after he's done nothing but taunt me all my damn life...needless to say DuWaynes spineless ass didn't say shit. I roll my eyes at him.

But I miss you T. I was thinking about the way we used to play perfection upstairs in your room in Carson. I remember you were the president of The Boys Fan club and they came over the house that day...I'm smiling with tears in my eyes...wait they're falling.

I always saw myself getting old...with you and your kids. We would be happy and somewhere chillin not thinking about you having Sickle Cell. Why Trip murdered Grandmother-or why our family had to be so fucked up and why you died trying to put the pieces back together. That was a burden that you shouldn't have had to carry. You spent so much time to make sure everyone else was strong...but all the while you were hurting inside and getting weaker and weaker by the second, because your strength was to make everyone else happy.

I'll never forget what you taught me about setting my goals and accomplishing them and not letting anyone stop me from seeing my vision and achieving my goals...I'm grateful for that. Your kids are beautiful...they're strong...

But if only we had the strength like you...